I really can't believe what I just found... R&B 'superstar' R Kelly has made an R&B opera. It's the funniest thing I have seen all week.
Imagine what it's like when a toddler begins telling you an aimless, meandering story that goes on and on and on with no discernable structure or coherence.
R&B opera is just like that except R Kelly sometimes goes 'yeaahhh eahhh eahhhhhhh', which just makes the whole thing even more terrible.
To get everybody just as excited about this work of terrible genius as I am I'll summarise the first chapter. Imagine what Rob did with the first act of Othello, except obviously this is loads more intellectual.
R Kelly - Trapped in a Closet (chapter 1 of 12)
Mr. Kelly wakes up in an unfamiliar bed and a woman walks into the room. The insinuation is clearly that R Kelly and the nice young lady have just spent the night together. R Kelly wants to get back to his wife at home so he puts his clothes on and heads for the door...
She said "please don't go out there"
"Lady I've got to get home"
She said her husband was coming up the stairs
"be quiet, hurry up and get in the closet"
She said "don't you make a sound or some shit is going down"
I said "why don't I just go out the window"
"yes, except for one thing, we’re on the 5th floor"
Think, think... "quick put me in the closet!"
And now I'm in this darkest closet trying to figure out
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass out this house
So there we have it, R Kelly is hiding in a closet when the woman's husband comes into the room and begins to kiss his wife.
You're not even going to believe how retarded the next 'plot' twist is...
I'm in the closet like man, what the fuck is going on?
You're not going to believe it but things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he acted I could tell it was too late
The husband's suspicions are aroused because R Kelly couldn't get his phone on vibrate quite quickly enough. The search is on...
[the husband] Checks under the bed (bed)
then under the dresser (dresser)
He looks at the closet (closet)
I pull out my berretta (berretta)
He walks up to the closet (closet)
He's close up to the closet (closet)
Now he's at the closet (closet)
Now he's opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)
End of chapter 1.
OH GOD WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT DO NOT LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS CRAIG.
I love the way that the husband actually checks underneath the little dressing table, almost like he was expecting to find a midget under there or something. Hilariously enough, in a later chapter R Kelly finds his wife cheating on him with a midget.
It would certainly be pretty surprising if you came home, opened your cupboard and R Kelly came barrelling out of there packing heat.
Luckily for us there are another 11 chapters of this drivel (lasting nearly an hour in total), and they are all available on Google videos here
One thing I need to drive home is that this wasn't written as a joke, R Kelly is serious throughout as he tells his tale of love, loss and cupboards. I think it says something quite profound about the human condition.
Imagine what it's like when a toddler begins telling you an aimless, meandering story that goes on and on and on with no discernable structure or coherence.
R&B opera is just like that except R Kelly sometimes goes 'yeaahhh eahhh eahhhhhhh', which just makes the whole thing even more terrible.
To get everybody just as excited about this work of terrible genius as I am I'll summarise the first chapter. Imagine what Rob did with the first act of Othello, except obviously this is loads more intellectual.
Mr. Kelly wakes up in an unfamiliar bed and a woman walks into the room. The insinuation is clearly that R Kelly and the nice young lady have just spent the night together. R Kelly wants to get back to his wife at home so he puts his clothes on and heads for the door...
"Lady I've got to get home"
She said her husband was coming up the stairs
"be quiet, hurry up and get in the closet"
She said "don't you make a sound or some shit is going down"
I said "why don't I just go out the window"
"yes, except for one thing, we’re on the 5th floor"
Think, think... "quick put me in the closet!"
And now I'm in this darkest closet trying to figure out
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass out this house
So there we have it, R Kelly is hiding in a closet when the woman's husband comes into the room and begins to kiss his wife.
You're not even going to believe how retarded the next 'plot' twist is...
You're not going to believe it but things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he acted I could tell it was too late
The husband's suspicions are aroused because R Kelly couldn't get his phone on vibrate quite quickly enough. The search is on...
then under the dresser (dresser)
He looks at the closet (closet)
I pull out my berretta (berretta)
He walks up to the closet (closet)
He's close up to the closet (closet)
Now he's at the closet (closet)
Now he's opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)
End of chapter 1.
OH GOD WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT DO NOT LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS CRAIG.
I love the way that the husband actually checks underneath the little dressing table, almost like he was expecting to find a midget under there or something. Hilariously enough, in a later chapter R Kelly finds his wife cheating on him with a midget.
It would certainly be pretty surprising if you came home, opened your cupboard and R Kelly came barrelling out of there packing heat.
Luckily for us there are another 11 chapters of this drivel (lasting nearly an hour in total), and they are all available on Google videos here
One thing I need to drive home is that this wasn't written as a joke, R Kelly is serious throughout as he tells his tale of love, loss and cupboards. I think it says something quite profound about the human condition.
