I like to imagine that if I were homeless then I'd drink a lot of alcohol to make the endless days go a little bit faster and to deaden the blow of every blank faced passer by who doesn't even acknowledge my existence. Perhaps it would also keep the chill of the winter wind from my bones; for at least a few hours more.
Unfortunately there is a little problem with this plan for perpetual homeless drunkenness... Money is a little tight for the average tramp. It is for this reason that I commisioned a rigorous scientific study into the most efficient way to get trashed.
To begin we need to introduce a brand new statistic, the 'milliliters of ethanol per penny' (mepp). mepp is basically a measure of how fucked up something can get you, and how cheaply it can do it. If you're struggling to understand this concept there is a useful little ditty that will help you: The higher the mepp the more twatted you get.
The ultimate mepp, and the standard by which all other drinks will be judged, is methylated spirits (79p for 500ml, 95% ABV) with a mepp of 6.012658228.
How do standard supermarket drinks stack up against the awesome power of meths? Well, as I'm sure you all know, the only real way to answer this question, like so many others, is with a bar chart*:
Well that certainly is interesting! The White Lightning is a well deserved winner (£2.59 for a 2l bottle, 7.5%ABV). Other drinks, however, did not perform nearly as well as I expected. Tesco value whisky weighed in with a rather disappointing 0.408163265, beaten even by Tesco value gin (0.421348315). Another surprising result is that Tesco value lager (£2.38 for 4x500ml cans, 4%ABV) can hold its own against the incredible fury of the Carlsberg Special Brew (£4.69 for 4x440ml cans, 9%ABV). This means that for those hobos who prefer quantity over 'quality' the Tesco beer is a great choice! I like to think that this particular new and exciting result will revolutionise hobo drinking theory over the next couple of decades.
OK enough theory, we don't need none of that book learnin' here. There is one question that I know is burning at the soul of every single person reading this article. One question that absolutely must be answered...
Can I make a drink with a higher mepp than Meths? Can I do this in the comfort of my own home? Will I die if I drink it?
Find out in part 2 of this exciting science epic! Coming soon!
*If anybody would like me to calculate and tabulate more drinks send me their data. I'll need hard proof though, not just a vague assurance that a friend of a friend bought a bottle of 50%ABV imported vodka for 47 pence
Unfortunately there is a little problem with this plan for perpetual homeless drunkenness... Money is a little tight for the average tramp. It is for this reason that I commisioned a rigorous scientific study into the most efficient way to get trashed.
To begin we need to introduce a brand new statistic, the 'milliliters of ethanol per penny' (mepp). mepp is basically a measure of how fucked up something can get you, and how cheaply it can do it. If you're struggling to understand this concept there is a useful little ditty that will help you: The higher the mepp the more twatted you get.
The ultimate mepp, and the standard by which all other drinks will be judged, is methylated spirits (79p for 500ml, 95% ABV) with a mepp of 6.012658228.
How do standard supermarket drinks stack up against the awesome power of meths? Well, as I'm sure you all know, the only real way to answer this question, like so many others, is with a bar chart*:
Well that certainly is interesting! The White Lightning is a well deserved winner (£2.59 for a 2l bottle, 7.5%ABV). Other drinks, however, did not perform nearly as well as I expected. Tesco value whisky weighed in with a rather disappointing 0.408163265, beaten even by Tesco value gin (0.421348315). Another surprising result is that Tesco value lager (£2.38 for 4x500ml cans, 4%ABV) can hold its own against the incredible fury of the Carlsberg Special Brew (£4.69 for 4x440ml cans, 9%ABV). This means that for those hobos who prefer quantity over 'quality' the Tesco beer is a great choice! I like to think that this particular new and exciting result will revolutionise hobo drinking theory over the next couple of decades.
OK enough theory, we don't need none of that book learnin' here. There is one question that I know is burning at the soul of every single person reading this article. One question that absolutely must be answered...
Can I make a drink with a higher mepp than Meths? Can I do this in the comfort of my own home? Will I die if I drink it?
Find out in part 2 of this exciting science epic! Coming soon!
*If anybody would like me to calculate and tabulate more drinks send me their data. I'll need hard proof though, not just a vague assurance that a friend of a friend bought a bottle of 50%ABV imported vodka for 47 pence
